My blog is partially about the game and my thoughts on it, but also my journey towards becoming the kind of player I want to be. As most of you know, I struggle with a lot of different aspects of it; even though I've reached a decently high level, I still want to get better. But in truth, my real goal is this: I've had some amazingly positive mental and emotional experiences in this game that I want to recreate. States of focus and calm that made me feel... tranquil, yet energetic. Very focused but still relaxed. Basically it's "the zone" magnified.
Playing recently, my entire goal is to coax my mind into that state as often and consistently as possible. Unfortunately, I can't seem to maintain it for more than a short period of time, and afterwards I feel incredibly drained. I know I have an "official" (and I'm sure that means something worthwhile) diagnosis of ADHD-Inattentive, which is very frustrating to deal with, but what confuses me is if I do have such a condition, why I'm still capable of entering this state at times. The first time I ever experienced it, it lasted for hours; how does that jive with what I think I already know about myself and this mental state?
Playing for a long while yesterday I managed to get into that zone for maybe a few games out of a hundred. So on the one hand, I've been reaching it more often than I had before, even though it's still very infrequent. On the other, it's such a brief experience, and parting with that feeling is so bittersweet, that it's almost more upsetting to get it and then lose it than to play all day without feeling it at all.
Without a doubt I play my best while in that state of mind, so the upshot of reaching that mental state a lot will be improved play, and maybe I'll have a decent performance and my next out of state event. But it's unlikely I'll go to one in the future, and it's pretty unlikely that mindset will sync up with any major matches I get, so I wouldn't be expecting too much from me.
This isn't really about winning or losing anymore. This is more about trying to understand my own mind and what it takes to hone it. I think I might be getting closer, but I can't really know for sure.
Oh well. I should be doing my next installment of the video log soon, maybe tomorrow after work. Take care everybody.